About taking time...

I wasn't a coffee drinker. I used to be more of a tea person. And I have no idea since when I actually started drinking coffee, I'm pretty sure a couple of months ago I still wasn't. I'm still not really a big fan of Starbucks frappe and all those fancy coffee with hazelnut cream or caramel or whatnot, just plain black coffee would do. Or black coffee with some milk and sugar. That's all.

Now I prefer to have someone to have a cup of coffee with, on an evening, or late evening, just catching up. I used to prefer chilled beer to loosen things up, but somehow I have no mood for beer anymore. It's like, I don't like getting tipsy anymore. When I'm tipsy, I'm not myself, I become this loosened-up girl, who speaks anything and everything she has in her mind, and starts flirting with guys, starts laughing too much, a tipsy-me is just a girl who's running away from her thoughts and problems. While a cup of coffee sobers me up, brings up the more calm and composed me.

I imagine sitting at a cafe, overlooking a river, a very French-y place, having a cup of coffee, maybe with a piece of madeleine. Just talking craps, like how I like it, discussing life in-depth, talking about music, movie, books, architecture, technology, or visions, and dreams, and sets of goals, obstacles; talking about the past, dirty little secrets, the present, and perhaps the future. Just taking time, having meaningless but meaningful conversation.

Sounds like a scene from a movie, eh? But that is exactly how I would like my life to be. A movie. Something worth seeing, something worth knowing about, something that can have an impact on not just me, but also other people. There must be a good plot, some humor, some tragedy, some drama, and hopefully a happy ending.

One thing about myself, I really like to take my time, I hate rushing. Just like when I lived in Tokyo, and I was literally annoyed by the japanese people, rushing and running from one platform to another to catch the next train at the interchange, when the train actually comes every 2 - 3 minutes. Really, what's the problem losing 2 - 3 minutes of your life, when you can actually enjoy your day more, watching people around you, or just talking to a friend. I really take my time when I eat, I'm officially now the slowest eater among my friends. I take my time during shower too, I just love the feeling of hot water running through my body, from head to toe. I used to rush myself to get married, partly because of the social pressure, partly because I was afraid I couldn't have kids if I wait too long. But I don't wanna do that anymore, getting married should be for the right reasons at the right timing. If God gives me children, then I would be really grateful to Him, as I'm already grateful for my well-being right now. Now I'm taking my time to find a goal in life. And I hope no-one would bitch at me about that...

Whadya think of my sleeping outfit??

Wish I have the guts to go out looking funky and I-could-care-less like that..

Weird stage of life

This is the first time ever in my life that I feel this alive, and yet also so alone at the same time. Isn't that strange?

Although not everything has become clear for me, but I think I've figured out what I wanna do after I got back from China.. It might just be a dream, but it is good to be dreaming again, and actually really thinking of realizing that dream. Someone really taught me about that...

The past 3 and a half years (ever since I got back home), day by day just passed me by so quickly, and I never feel like I have done really anything worth remembering, the years turn so quickly it scares the hell out of me. I hope this can change.

(I don't mean that there are no good memories this past 3-and-a-half years..)

But right now I'm so confused with being just by myself, I lost directions in that area. I'm walking blind. I don't know what to do, where to go. Don't know who to see, who to talk to. Who to love, who to share my thoughts with.

Good friends are really heaven sent, but they're not me, they're not the other part of me either, even the bestest friend, they don't understand 90% of me.

Sandsack finally here

Now I can just hit it whenever I feel the need to...

Words from Mahaguru

Pain...

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Quotes

"@DamnItsTrue: When a girl cries for a boy it means she loves him a lot.

"@DamnItsTrue: Ignore the risk, and take the fall... if it's meant to be, it's worth it all.

"@DamnItsTrue: I don't know where my life is taking me right now, but along its path I'm going to enjoy every moment.

"@DamnItsTrue: You cannot stop loving or caring for someone in an instant ... unless the feelings were fake to start with!

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Acceptance

I accept that my body is imperfect, it has wide bone structure, hence wide shoulder wide ribcage wide waist, it has very short torso, and that makes the waist look even wider. But for that, I have long legs, that even at 1,6m (5'4"), I don't look very short. I look good in short shorts. When I stretched one of my arms up and one down and I look at my own reflection, I seem to have very long limbs, due to my also long fingers and tiny wrists.

I accept the fact that no matter how hard I try, I could never have model's body, the proportional one, with small waist and wider hip (my hip is non-existent). I accept my height, I used to want to be taller so very much, but at this height I can date asian guys.

I also accept the fact that at 51kg, some people still think that I need to lose some weight. And when I lose mine til 48kg, I still look "bigger" than most 51kg-ers. What most people don't know, is that I probably have much less body-fat percentage than them, because I do a lot of excercises, and the fat spreads around my wider torso better and not stacked into one part (for example arm), so I still look boney. I also acknowledge that I wear bigger jeans size than some of my "fatter" friends, solely because of the body proportion I described in the 1st paragraph. And I don't feel hurt when we go to the same dressing room, try the same piece, and it fits on her but not me.

I accept and admit very much, that I have lots of stretch-marks and cellulites on both my thighs and butts. In exchange to that, I have super smooth skin that most guys are amazed of, and I can only say, girl, no matter how hard you try to maintain, it's really genetical. I inherit my skin from my mom, who's at young age didn't really do anything special to her skin, and now at 65 she still has skin like a 40-yr-old. Thanks mom.

What I don't accept is how insensitive some people can be sometimes. I don't appreciate being told "you gained weight" when I know for a fact that I don't. Or even when I do, I would still think "who asked for your opinion?".

I also hate when skinny girls "deliberately" rubbed it in my nose, that they can just eat anything and still lose weight. Well maybe you're lucky in that term, bitch, but know this: God is SUPER fair when He created human beings. Meaning, to cancel out your skinnyness, you're probably a dumb blonde, or you're probably smelly, or you probably just have irritating characters and have no friends. (This is not intended to a particular person, but more to any girl with that kind of attitude)

I think most girls have issue and insecurity regarding their body, and I'm definitely no exception. But once I start accepting my own flaws, I notice more of the good parts of me. And _then_ I can be much happier and not think so much about what I don't have. Think I'm making progress here...
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